I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
