she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
