Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
