your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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