Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
