The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
