I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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