forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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