sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
