dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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