He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
