Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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