the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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