I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
