Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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