he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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