There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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