I am puke
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
