i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
