I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
