did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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