if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
