Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
