Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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