i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
