Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dicks are not precious.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
