i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
