i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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