After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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