I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
