So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
