We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
