I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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