she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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