I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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