we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
