my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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