I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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