oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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