shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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