I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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