Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
