I heard we made out
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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