I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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