ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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