I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
