Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
