I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
