I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
