I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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