Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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